September 18, 2014

Something happened yesterday and i’m having a hard time with it:

There used to be a feminist, women’s only spa in Chicago that i loved going to. It made me feel wonderful on so many levels and helped me feel good and present in my body, which, suffice it to say, is fucking hard for me. Last week, i found out it closed down and i was really bummed out.

Sweetly, tre surprised me for my birthday by borrowing a friend’s car and driving me to a spa in the suburbs. i was scared of bringing my body into a new and vulnerable space but wanted to be hopeful, to believe in possibility and existence. It’s also been more possible for my body to exist in gendered spaces since having surgery (because people have fucked up assumption about what it means to pack a piece).

Anyway, for the first few hours it was mostly nice, dirty looks aside. But as i was preparing to leave, an attendant tried to kick me out of the shower, thinking my body didn’t belong. She rushed up to me shouting “ooh, ooh…” a look of horrified shock on her face. Frantically, she searched for my tag, which was coded pink to alert staff to where i should/shouldn’t be allowed to be. The entire time i knew what was happening but was too in shock to react.

i left heartbroken and ashamed, feeling ugly and monstrous. i went home feeling like my body wasn’t allowed anywhere. It’s a fight to exist, with very few spaces that my presence is accepted without blink or question in which to take respite. When i realized this attendant was doing her job, i became enraged and horrified. This is what she was trained to do…

When i started transitioning, i knew it would be a long hard fight. However, i thought there would be an endpoint at which i would be allowed to exist. i’m not sure there’s an endpoint anymore. If anything, i’m sure that there is not.

i went home and spent the night crying, eating cookies, and reading comic books. i fell asleep praying, as i often do, for the violence to stop. i woke up and looked in the mirror, and it was there. i have forgotten how to shake the shit. My mom used to tell me to let things roll away like water from a duck’s back, a process which she referred to as “duck butter.” The punk philosophy i grew up with taught me to scoff and walk into the fray.

Neither is working.

tre asked me if i would like her to complain. i asked her why. i want to be allowed to exist. i want that existance to not be a fight or an education process. i’m tired.

My birthday thought was simply, “i don’t know how to do another year of this.” i want to, don’t get me wrong. i want to live, i find so much beauty in the world, but i don’t know how to keep fighting. i don’t know how to remain open to possibility.

(Please don’t offer to build a campaign, do violence to the person, or tell me that it’s not a big deal. These aren’t helpful.)

Thanks.

April 18, 2014
Fundraising for my kid's surgery! We're almost there!

March 6, 2014

Anonymous said: Um the video is set to private, so I couldn't view it? Sorry :/

Problem fixed, thanks!

March 6, 2014
Help my kid get top surgery

Hey gang, my kid is getting surgery this summer and needs help making it happen. I love him, please help. Please repost far and wide!

Also, i’m wearing a sequin dress in the video… everybody wins.

http://www.gofundme.com/6vmdu4

6:53pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zgeygv19Onkhl
  
Filed under: trans surgery fundraiser 
December 18, 2013

image

i just released my fabulous new zine, Spider Teeth, that encapsulates all the complicated emotionality surrounding “The Surgery.” It spans tremendous moments of pain and joy while never forgetting the mundane, the cute and the just plain strange. This is just one of about 100 xeroxed pages. It can be found at the 3rd Language store at the following link:

http://www.3rdlanguage.com/#!store/c18q3

image (handwritten on white sheets glued onto wrinkled butcher paper with a disgusting drawing of a mangled testicle) reads:

vile gonad

My left testicle has a varicocele, which is “an abnormal enlargement of the pampiniform venous plexus” blah blah blah… (arrow) wikipedia

It started out small when i was little as a bump that showed up after i got kicked by this asshole kid Joey in my cubscout pack. As i got older it grew and grew. Now it is almost the size of my flacid cock and fills up my hand. The vein, as big as a pencil at times, wraps around my testicle. The vein is soft and spongey but is heavy. It pulls and hangs and pulls until it hurts. It hurts almost all the time. When i wear skinny jeans or tights it gets pinned to my inner thigh, otherwise it dangles; i am always aware of its position. i don’t know if my urge toward surgery would be this strong were my testicle “normal,” but i can say that i can’t wait until it’s gone.”

December 13, 2013
Walgreens: Hire trans women

December 12, 2013

image

i just released my fabulous new zine, Spider Teeth, that encapsulates all the complicated emotionality surrounding “The Surgery.” It spans tremendous moments of pain and joy while never forgetting the mundane, the cute and the just plain strange. This is just one of about 100 xeroxed pages. It can be found at the 3rd Language store at the following link:

http://www.3rdlanguage.com/#!store/c18q3

image (handwritten with a hatch marked rectangle) reads:

"Twenty hours before our flight, shit started to feel so real—like before it had only been this abstract thing and now it was actually going to happen.

i cried a lot

and panicked.

but knew i would get on a plane

fly to the other side of the earth

and in three days time

would have a differently shaped body.

This is so big.

Like the biggest fucking thing ever.”

December 10, 2013

image

i just released my fabulous new zine, Spider Teeth, that encapsulates all the complicated emotionality surrounding “The Surgery.” It spans tremendous moments of pain and joy while never forgetting the mundane, the cute and the just plain strange. This is just one of about 100 xeroxed pages. It can be found at the 3rd Language store at the following link:

http://www.3rdlanguage.com/#!store/c18q3

image (with apocalyptic lines of inverted typewriter text) reads:

"i’m about to fly half-way around the world for something i don’t even want. i don’t really want a vagina, i just don’t want a cock. i need to not have a cock. i want to have nothing, but that’s not an option. So i’m flying half-way around the world to get a surgery i don’t want. Fuck!"

December 5, 2013
Call For Submissions...Gender Matters Issue 2.

carrie0627:

The first issue of Gender Matters has been really successful. It’s in the hands of many youth, teachers, parents and zine readers! All the sale proceeds have been donated to organizations that support trans/gender variant youth…nearly $350.00

SO LET’S MAKE ANOTHER ISSUE!

Topic: (Essays,…

December 1, 2013
heavyvoodootattooatx:


Fresh tattoos baked daily!If you’re in atx, hit me up for ink at heavyvoodootattoo@gmail.com

My brother is tattooing in Austin, hit him up.

heavyvoodootattooatx:

Fresh tattoos baked daily!
If you’re in atx, hit me up for ink at heavyvoodootattoo@gmail.com

My brother is tattooing in Austin, hit him up.

1:25am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zgeygv-xnDDf
  
Filed under: Austin tattoo trevor shaw 
Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »